A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.