“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Don’t snitch tag.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.