Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
A Short Story.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: