after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.