A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.