I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
You Might Also Like
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao