I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.