Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Going to church you guys need anything
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel