I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]