My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
yeah not falling for this one
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time