My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
twitter users today:
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
🙁
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*