So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I hope they boil the right one.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Care for your back
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space![]()
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?