So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Oceanography is all about current events
U talkin 2 me?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
learning about math 🧐 📝
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”