So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Customer is always right
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Sunday
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”