My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood