History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
secret recipe
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
A great tip. #CakeRex