She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Great Canadian literature.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.