obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
TWEET CALL
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.