is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.