“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Childbirth is so beautiful
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Have a lovely day 😊
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.