if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
You Might Also Like
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*