[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president