FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Attacked by a mop.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord