“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
No Google it does not
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
There’s only one good girl here!
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Who says great literature is dead?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.