the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!