I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I told my vodka about you.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Best misinterpreted text ever!
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.