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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
concern
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
How dramatic are you?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.