If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You Might Also Like
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
pls suprot
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.