What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)