What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.