Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
You Might Also Like
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
😬