dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.