Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.