I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
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Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Childbirth is so beautiful
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.