My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Bloody internet 😳
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.