If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty