“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose