It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!