My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son