It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant