me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Nothing.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.