Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts