“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.