There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
my mind
You just read my mind
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
At least he brought enough for everyone
LMAO
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE