[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
U talkin 2 me?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.