No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE