“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Today’s Times
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Best spot.. 😅
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass