*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants