Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
the Monday after daylight savings
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday