“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me when my alarm goes off
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper