MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
what could possibly go wrong?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank