me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[adds another nod to the conversation]