[adds another nod to the conversation]
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This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.