I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Well, this is awkward
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Husband of the year 😂
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.